Almost 30 Crisis.

Whether you’re single or married, with or without children – one day you wake up and ask yourself, “Just who the hell am I?” Seriously. It’s as if everything you thought you were was all a lie and wishful thinking. What you thought life was made of turned out to be misguided fantasies. You conclude that you are never going to be completely put together. Nothing is perfect; not you, not your family, not your friends or your church, not even your perfect job opportunity. Self doubt begins to throw knock out worthy punches. Who am I? What do I believe and why? Is Jesus real? Do I really like sushi, or is it just the eel sauce? Broccoli, really? Very Vanilla Soy Milk or Almond Breeze? I climbed a flight of stairs. I’m winded. What’s really happening right now? What is life?! I can see how dramatic I’m being right now, I see it. But you get my point.

2014 was a really interesting year for me. I’d say that I spent a lot of it confused and questioning the why behind most of my beliefs. I was trying to settle on who I was and what defined me. I think they call it an identity crisis; some call it self-discovery. What ever you want to call it, it threw me for a complete loop, but these are the lessons I learned and am still learning.

1. Self discovery by yourself is the worst.

“Who the hell am I?”

I am all for figuring out who you are as a person and discovering yourself outside the context your family, friends and the 4 walls of the church. However, self-discovery can be a dangerous place for you and your faith if you are not discovering yourself within the context of the Holy Spirit. Pray about it. All of it. These new things that you’re learning and experiencing, do they honor your convictions? And if you are reassessing your convictions, are you praying about your reassessments?

I learned that all the convictions I lived by weren’t necessarily my own. As I sifted through my beliefs, there were points where I thought to myself, “To hell, with all of it. I just want to do whatever I want to do. Don’t kill my vibes!” (#dontjudgeme ) Ok. But, seriously. I’ve watched people get to this place and lose themselves and their faith. They throw out the baby, the bath water and the whole tub. Don’t be that guy. What your church, your mother, and your hommies taught you about your faith may not have been completely correct, this is true. However, they cannot be used as an excuse for your present day decrease in faith or lack of obedience to the things that the Lord has revealed to you. What does your relationship with God look like in this new place that you find yourself in?

2. Awesome and flawed will coexist, always. 

You won’t have one without the other. I am awesome and I believe it with my whole heart. Maybe a little too much. “However, comma,” I am also flawed. Herein lies my problem. It turns out that I will always be a little jacked up as a person. I will make flawed decisions. I will sin. I will let myself down and will likely find creative ways of letting others down. This will always be true. There may be times when I am less aware or more accepting of my flaws, but I will always be flawed. This is a hard truth for a perfectionist, like myself, to accept. It’s heavy. What that truth is saying, is that all the work that I put into being better, stronger, wiser, loving, caring, and more awesome – All the work that I put into being a “good person” will never be enough to completely fix the flawed parts of me. And that’s O.K.

I’ve learned that there is a freedom in accepting that I can be both awesome and a little jacked and be exactly where the Lord wants me to be.

I’ve learned that there is a freedom in accepting that I can be both awesome and a little jacked and be exactly where the Lord wants me to be. I think they call that grace. If I’m patient, the Lord will refine the parts of me that need work, in His time. I don’t have to worry and rush into fixing it all right this very second. When I’m aware of His grace, I am able to have more grace for myself. Weird how that works.

3. DIY does not work on your soul.

Without Him the pressure is on you to “fix” you and you become your own never ending Do-it-Yourself project. But it’s one of those projects you never actually finish and then feel guilty and frustrated about not being able to complete. You eventually call in a professional and wonder why you didn’t think to do so in the first place. But you’ll do it again. The same way. Over and over. Pretty sure that illustrates my whole life with the Lord.

Shade, but no shade. You cannot create the change in your heart that you truly desire. Neither can I. In all my doing and undoing, in all my book reading and sermon listening, lasting heart and life change has come in times where I have allowed the Lord to do his thing.

It’s crazy how simple lessons can be life changing. Essentially, what I’ve learned through this whole “crisis” is to relax and pray about it. Imperfections are a part of what makes grace beautiful and powerful. In all my cyclical striving, and ups and downs, I am still loved by God. What He started, He is faithful to complete.

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” – Philippians 1:6 ESV